Walking Back from Vietnam

Flashbacks. I’m having flashbacks, reliving my Vietnam war experiences. It’s actually only the second time since leaving Vietnam but, coming only a couple years after the first, it’s unsettling. The presidential election campaign triggered this flashback. My first was also the result of an external event–my 2002 long distance Appalachian Trail hike. That’s not to say that Vietnam wasn’t on my mind since I was there in 1971. It was. But for most of those years, I diverted my attention with family, career and life’s many interesting activities. On the Appalachian Trail, though, I had plenty of time to think. This year’s presidential campaign is all about Vietnam, past and (although many Americans don’t want to believe it) present. I couldn’t get away from Vietnam in 2002. I can’t this year either. And the memories and emotions are flooding back.

My current flashback is the War on Iraq. How can I, a combat veteran, not pay attention to the war?. These guys are going through what I did. Worse, actually. It sucked then. It sucks now. There are times in a nation’s history when war may be unavoidable. It still sucks but not quite as much. Iraq is no such time. Neither was Vietnam. I hoped that America would remember the trauma and destruction of that ill-conceived war. But that lesson is ignored and another generation of American soldiers will live with the tragedy of a pointless war for the rest of their lives. I hope some good comes of their effort but each day’s violence renders that hope, never particularly realistic, more unlikely.

Watching events unfold in Iraq reminds me why Vietnam was such a mistake. America’s ideological rigidity, arrogance and ignorance of Vietnamese history and culture led us into an unwinnable war. Even if we had “bombed ‘em back to the Stone Age” or “unleashed” our military, any conceivable victory by American forces would have been only temporary; Vietnamese nationalism would have found another way to assert itself in the long run. That’s how they’ve fought foreign invaders for centuries. Looking at Iraq, I see the same forces at work. Iraq has a strong nationalist identity, compounded by longstanding religious and ethnic conflicts. What it does not have is a democratic tradition. History tells me that the United States, acting alone and using force, is not likely to construct a legitimate government in such a nation. I learned that lesson three decades ago, at considerable personal cost. Seeing it ignored by a president and advisors who missed that lesson really pisses me off.

My first flashback did not cause this kind of anger. In fact, it lanced my anger about Vietnam service. Participating in a war that I knew was wrong always made me doubt my moral courage. I have been angry at my country since that time for forcing that choice upon me. Hiking the trail day after day gave me time to review that part of my life in some detail–what I thought and believed, how and why I chose to go into combat. I finally concluded that I did okay. I survived, didn’t kill anyone and served honorably in a difficult situation. My willingness to kill for a cause I did not support still troubles me. I had hoped to dodge combat when I enlisted. But I ended up in combat anyway and did what I had to do. I didn’t get myself or anyone else killed. Like so many in combat over centuries of history, I was very lucky.

Actually, I was pretty proud that I survived but I never could say so because combat was such an evil thing to do. Instead, I went hiking. That allowed me to demonstrate that same strength and determination in a more benign activity. Ironic, then, that my way to avoid my combat experience took me on a path that would lead me back to it. Hiking was not an escape. It’s something I wanted to do for its own sake. But every day on every trail reminded me at some point of jungle patrol. The memory was not traumatic, just there. I knew it would accompany me while I hiked the Appalachian Trail. I didn’t expect to come to terms with my combat experience on the trail but the constant thought helped me realize that my choices were the best I could do at the time. I learned to forgive myself and my country.

Once I realized (somewhere in central Virginia) that it I was not evil, my anger wilted. Vietnam stayed on my mind but the memories were much tamer and gave me a chance to mellow out. I recognized how I benefitted from my service, even the combat. Combat showed me the horror and despair of war on civilians and soldiers alike. That is the ultimate lesson of Vietnam: War Sucks. It’s a sensibility and empathy for others that is central to my humanity. Combat taught me to backpack and took me through some of the most spectacular places I had ever seen. I’ve been out walking ever since, adding much adventure and richness to my life. I came back an anti-war veteran, able to speak with experience and authority in debates about America’s policies in the world. I earned a masters degree on the GI bill and, in one of life’s great ironies, I now receive largely free health care from the Veterans Administration. I did okay.

Instead of angry, I am sad about Vietnam Yeah, I was lucky, but it was a high price to pay, especially for the Vietnamese who suffered heavily from American weapons and tactics. We all would be better off without that experience. I wish it had been otherwise. History cannot be changed, only understood or ignored. That’s why this year’s flashback angers me so much. I can live with the sadness for what can’t be changed but I am angry at George W. Bush for the choices he’s made in Iraq, choices that did not have to be made. His choices clearly demonstrate that he does not understand war or the history of the region he proposes to remake in America’s image.. If he did, he would have been far more reluctant to launch an unprovoked attack in a region where American motives are highly suspect. His poor judgment comes at the cost of defending America against real threats. Americans are willing and able to sacrifice to protect this nation (others, too). That sacrifice should not be wasted. George Bush is wasting America’s most precious resource and destroying America’s good name in the process.

He needs to take a hike. A long one.