Muttshuttle Songs

 

(not an actual mutshuttle) 

When I posted my remembrance of my long-time friend, Peyton Coyner, I included "Muttshuttle Man", his parody of Billy Joel's "Piano Man.  Apparently, those long hauls up and down the East Coast were pretty inspirational.  Here are all of the other parodies he wrote during his travels.  

I copied the lyrics from Peyton's emails so the formatting and spacing varies somewhat.   Also included links to the original music and lyrics for those who may not be familiar with the originals.

 

My Dog

(apologies to Smokey Robinson)

I've got teeth marks on a table leg.
When it rains outside, I’ve got “walkies” anyway.
I guess you'd say
What can make me bitch this way?
My dog (my dog, my dog)
Talkin' 'bout my dog (my dog).

I've got so much hair now the bears envy me.
It’s in my sweaters, my soup and the air that I breathe.
I guess you'd say
What can make me whine this way?
My dog (my dog, my dog)
Talkin' 'bout my dog (my dog).

Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Ooh

I don't have no money, fortune, or fame.
Vet got all the riches, baby, I had to my name.
I guess you'd say
What can make me growl this way?
My dog (my dog, my dog)
Talkin' 'bout my dog (my dog).

I've got white hair on a black wool vest.

With my dog.

But, Lord, you know, she’s just the best
That’s my dog

music and original lyrics 

 

Barely Fed Hillbilly Hound

(apologies to Lester Flat and Earl Scruggs)

Come and listen to my story ‘bout a dog named Jed,

Kept on a chain and hardly ever fed,

Served up a minimum of water, care and food,

Mostly what he got was babblin’ crude.

 

Cussin’, that is.  Foulmouth.  Redneck eloquence.

 

First thing you know, ol’ Jed’s a bag of bones.

His owner said, “Won’t hunt.  Better find hisself a home.”

He dumped him in the woods and Jed was in a fix,

Covered all over now with chiggers, fleas and ticks.

 

Parasites, that is.  Pestilence.  Tiny vampires.

 

Well, this here story ends on a happier note.

The shelter folks got Jed and debugged his ol’ coat.

They fed him up real good – you all should come and see

What those fine folks dish out: canine hospitality.

 

Frontline, that is.  Shots.  Kibble.

 

Y’all come on down, now, ya hear?

 

music and original lyrics link

 

No-One-Sees-Me-Ville

(apologies to Jimmy Buffet)

Munchin’ cheap kibble
But can’t get a nibble
From all of those ‘dopters looking to buy
They pass by my pen here

As if I was stale beer,

Or a heap of old shrimp too rotten to fry.

Chorus:
Wastin’ away again in no-one-sees-me-ville

Searching for some way to get bought
Some people claim that there's a breeder to blame
But I know it's nobody’s fault

I don't know the reason
I stayed here all season
Nothin to show but this mange, which I chew.
But it's a real beauty
All over my booty
How it got here I haven't a clue.

Chorus:
Wastin away again in no-one-sees-me-ville

Searching for some way to get bought
Some people claim that there's a breeder to blame
Now I think
Hell, it could be my fault

I ran outta good luck
And here’s where I got stuck
Snagged by a dog catcher way far from home

But there's mutts in this slammer

And soon they will yammer
That ear-splitting din that helps us hang on

Wastin away again in no-one-sees-me-ville

Searching for some way to get bought
Some people claim that there's a breeder to blame

But I know it's sure not my fault
Yes and some people claim that there's a breeder to blame
And I know it's sure not my fault

music and original lyrics link

 

Born In The County Pound

(apologies to Bruce Springsteen)

Born down in a full up pound
The first kick I took was when I hit the ground
You end up like a dog that's been beat too much
Till you spend half your life just covering up

Born in the county pound, I was born in the county pound
I was born in the county pound, born in the county pound.

Got in a little hometown stir
So they put a chain around my fur
Dragged me off to a fighting school
To turn me into a killing tool

Born in the county pound, I was born in the county pound
I was born in the county pound, born in the county pound.

Come back soon to the SPCA
‘Doption girl said “There ain’t no way.

He’s just too rough and mighty mean
To make it here in the rescue scene.”

 

I had a brother at Michael Vick’s
Trained by bullies – wasn’t for long
They're still there, he's all gone

Down in the shadow of the dumpster here
Or out in the woods tryin’ to catch a deer.
I'm four years burning down the road
Nowhere to run aint got nowhere to go

Born in the county pound, I was born in the county pound

Born in the county pound, I'm a long gone pit bull from the county pound
Born in the county pound, I was born in the county pound
Born in the county pound, I'm a cool rocking pit bull from the county pound

 music and original lyrics link

 

I Want My Doggers Here

(apologies to Mark Knofler)

Now look at them drivers - that's the way you do it
You shuttle mutts up to New Jersey
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Puppies for nothin' and your mutts for free

Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe get a blister on your wheel hand
Maybe get a callus on your bum

We gotta install Rottweiller pups there
Custom shelter deliveries
We gotta move these cross-breeding Beagles
We gotta move these little Shelties

(See the poodle with the full coif and the blow dry
Yeah buddy that’s his own hair
That little poodle got his own big cage there
That little poodle needs a lotta care)

We gotta install Rottweiller pups there
Custom shelter deliveries
We gotta move these cross-breeding Beagles
We gotta move these little Shelties

 

I shoulda learned to drive the big trucks
I shoulda learned to drive the van
Look at that Pit Bull, she got it stickin' in the cage door
Just flirtin’ ‘cause she can.

And he's up there, what's that? Rock station noises?
Increase the volume like a chimpanzee
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Get your puppies for nothin' get your mutts for free

We gotta install Rottweiller pups there
Custom shelter deliveries
We gotta move these cross-breeding Beagles
We gotta move these little Shelties

Look a' here
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
You shuttle mutts up to New Jersey
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Puppies for nothin' get your mutts for free

 

Puppies for nothin' get your mutts for free
Puppies for nothin' get your mutts for free

Look at that, look at that
Puppies for nothin' get your mutts for free
I want my, I want my, I want my doggers here
Money for nothin' and chicks for free
(Fade)
Puppies for nothin' get your mutts for free

music and original lyrics link

 

Battle Hymn of the Formerly Blind Muttshuttler

(You know the tune)

 

Mine eyes have seen the mists and fog of cataracts, alas,

I’ve stumbled and I’ve fallen down upon my sorry (bottom),

Unable to start my chain saw, drive, or even mow the grass,

For months not marching on.

 

Glory, glory, Harman Eye Center,

Glory, glory, Harman Eye Center,

Glory, glory, Harman Eye Center,

I’m back to shuttling mutts!

 

Harman himself has fixed the thing with scalpel in his hand,

He’s loosed the fearful homeless mutts right into the van

I’ll drive ‘em up to Jersey now because at last I can,

They’re finally marching on!

 

Glory, glory, howlelujah,

Glory, glory, howlelujah,

Glory, glory, howlelujah,

I’m back to shuttling mutts!

 

 

Snob Dogs of London

(apologies to Warren Zevon)

 

I saw a Min Pin with a menu in his mouth

Walkin' through the streets of Soho in the fog

He was lookin' for a place called John Bull Pets

Gonna get a big dish of “Bangermash For Dogs”

Aaahoo! Snob dogs of London 

Aaahoo! Aaahoo! 

Snob dogs of London 

Aaahoo!

Ya hear him howlin' around your kitchen door

Ya better not let him in

Little old Lay-Z-Boy mutilated late last night

Snob dogs of London again

Aaahoo! Snob dogs of London 

 Aaahoo! Aaahoo! 

Snob dogs of London 

Aaahoo!

It's the fully-coiffed breeds, who ran amok in Leeds

Lately they’ve been overheard in Mayfair

You better stay away from them

They'll rip your socks off, Jim

Huh, I'd like to meet their barber

Aaahoo! Snob dogs of London

Aaahoo! Aaahoo! 

Snob dogs of London 

Aaahoo!

Well, I saw a wee Corgi walkin' with the Queen

Doin' the snob dogs of London

Named “Cheney, Jr.” ‘cause ‘e’s so bloody mean

Doin' the snob dogs of London

I saw a Pommipoo drinkin' a Perrier at Trader Vic's

And his hair was perfect

Aaahoo! Snob dogs of London

Aaahoo! Aaahoo! 

Snob dogs of London 

Aaahoo!

 

music and original lyrics link

 

Alas, there will be no more of these.